Illumination-forward wellness

Is your ass glowing, yet?

The world's first illumination-forward wellness system for the part of you that's spent its whole life in the dark. Clinically inspired. Radiance obsessed. Engineered to be stared at.

Begin your glow journey The philosophy
Scroll into the light
The Philosophy

You exfoliate your face. You mask. You serum. But there's one region your wellness ritual keeps pretending it can't reach — even though it thinks about it constantly.

At Ass Glow, we believe radiance shouldn't stop at the waistline. True luminosity is holistic — front, back, and the parts polite brands clutch their pearls about. Your glow is a continuum. Stop leaving the best stretch in the dark.

Light from within. Way in.
glowingbunghole.ai in use
Flagship
Intelligence, illuminated

glowingbunghole.ai

the world's first ai-powered glow-in-the-dark luxury pleasure device

Our proprietary neural glow engine learns how you move and how long you last, then calibrates luminosity in real time — so you light up at exactly the right moment, and stay lit through every one after that.

  • Adaptive Glow™ — machine learning reads the room and the rhythm, dialing from soft nightlight to full floodlight depending on how the evening's going.
  • BioLume core — charges in seconds, glows for hours, rated for a frankly heroic number of cycles per night.
  • Whisper-soft, body-safe silicone — girth-tiered from "first time" to "show-off," because our fit team measures everything.
  • Companion app — track your radiance score, hit your glow goals, climb the leaderboard, unlock achievements you'll never screenshot.
$389 Pre-order
Stuff it. Light it. Let them watch.
The Campaign

The glow doesn't stay home. It has plans.

Shot over one long weekend nobody fully remembers, "Illuminated Living" follows the glowingbunghole.ai through its natural habitat: rooftops, riverbanks, and the back seats of cars that cost more than the apartment. No retouching. Some regret. All consensual.

astronaut planting a glowing banana on the lunar surface, 1969
One Small Glow for ManJuly 1969. The flag was a backup.
worn at dusk
DuskShe calls it jewelry. Our lawyers call it "a device." Both are correct.
after hours
After HoursCharged in seconds. Committed for the evening.
on the go
On the GoHydration, a snack, and the glow. Errands have never looked so intentional.
in the dark
In the DarkWhere it performs best, and asks the fewest questions.
Starcheeks application
Starcheeks product
In Stock
Highlight where it counts

Starcheeks

featherlight buildable glow-in-the-dark shimmer dust

For the curves your highlighter routine has been a coward about. Vegan. Cruelty-free. Engineered to make people forget what they were saying mid-sentence.

  • Triple-milled for an airbrushed, slap-and-it-sparkles finish.
  • Crushed pearl infused with the confidence of someone with nothing to hide.
  • Glow-in-the-dark microparticles that put a runway right where you want the traffic.
  • Dermatologist-adjacent, lawyer-permitting.
$48 Shop now
Some people contour. You back it up into the spotlight.
Coming Soon Glow From Within — dropper bottle spilled on silk sheets, glowing
New Category · Dual-Use Wellness

Glow From Within

an all-natural vegan personal lubricant · pure enough to drink™

Most brands would make you choose. We refused. Glow From Within is an all-natural, vegan personal lubricant so rigorously pure you can add a few drops to your water bottle and sip your way to radiance. There is more than one way to use this product, and we are not here to rank them. pH-balanced for every conversation. Tasting notes: cucumber, aloe, restraint. Release that glow — the direction is entirely up to you.

Join the Glow
Limited first batch. Food-grade. Bedroom-grade. Not evaluated by anyone, in either capacity.
drops added to a water bottle
Ritual I · The Morning DoseThree drops in the water bottle. No more. You have plans.
glowing bottle among ordinary water bottles at a yoga studio
Ritual II · The PracticeHydration is a spectrum. Someone in this class is further along it.
dropper bottle on the nightstand beside a glass and silk
Ritual III · The EveningThe label says nothing else. It doesn't need to.
Program LP-01 · Test Article Program LP-01 test article in wind tunnel flow visualization
Advanced Projects Division

Lumière Posterior

Nobody else is building this, because nobody else can. Program LP-01 is staffed by former NASA propulsion engineers and Lockheed Skunk Works alumni working out of a facility that does not appear on the lease. The airframe — we are told not to call it that — uses materials that do not have consumer names yet. Performance figures exist. We have seen them. We are not allowed to repeat them, and frankly, you would not believe us.

11Engineers, Formerly Cleared
4,200Wind Tunnel Hours
█████Lumens (Redacted)

"At NASA I put hardware into orbit. At the Skunk Works I built things I still can't name. This is the first program where the test data made me call my wife."

— Chief Engineer, Program LP-01, name withheld under agreement
Briefings granted at the Program's discretion. Not export controlled — we asked, twice.
Your request has been logged. A representative may contact you. Do not contact us.
LP-01 night transport under cover
Fig. 1 · Transport, 0300 hoursThe article moves only at night, under cover, with escort. The escort has not been told what it is. The escort has stopped asking.
LP-01 thermal qualification test
Fig. 2 · Thermal qualification, cycle 88 of 90The article passed. The chamber did not. A second chamber has been ordered.
LP-01 final metrology in cleanroom
Fig. 3 · Final metrologyFive engineers, one set of calipers, zero deviation. The calipers were retired with honors.
The Science of Glowing

We didn't invent radiance. We just refused to ignore the half of you that's always face-down.

Every Ass Glow product is developed in consultation with people who own lab coats and have signed extensive nondisclosure agreements. Ethically sourced, responsibly milled, and committed to your posterior luminosity at a depth the category wasn't emotionally prepared for.

94%of participants reported feeling "more glowing"
6%are still glowing, still face-down, could not be reached for comment
0questions asked by our research team
Posterior Quarterly · Vol. XII

The Luminosity Papers

Our double-blind trial ended in week two when the control group found out what the other group had and organized. Statistical significance was achieved. Ethical significance is pending appeal. The placebo has requested to remain in the study.

Companion App · Telemetry Report 7

On the Radiance Score

41% of users whose Radiance Score was flagged "concerning" reported feeling proud. The instrument has since been recalibrated to say it less warmly. Scores above the concerning threshold now trigger a wellness check, which users have begun treating as an achievement.

Program LP-01 · Excerpt, Cleared for Release

Aerodynamics of the Glow

4,200 tunnel hours confirm the glow behaves in ways our instruments describe as "uncooperative." Drag coefficients were recorded, reviewed, and shredded. Full figures remain redacted. The wind has asked to be reassigned.

Joint ventures with brands we admire, and legally recognize.

Three partnerships. Three philosophies. One glow, variously interpreted.

Blowing Dudes × Ass Glow

Glowjob

limited-edition glow-in-the-dark lip balm · collab drop

Two challenger wellness brands. One unforgettable shine. When the originator of the balm met the pioneers of posterior radiance, the only real question was why it took this long. Glowjob is a glow-in-the-dark lip balm engineered so your smile stays the main attraction long after the lights go down.

"I've spent half a century on lips. They've spent their whole careers on glow. We shook hands. We did not overthink the name."

— The Dude, Founder of Blowing Dudes™
Shop Blowing Dudes
Limited collab batch. Apply liberally. Glows responsibly. Mostly.
Collab Drop Glowjob glow-in-the-dark lip balm
Collab Drop The Lantern — vegan green banana candle
Amish Airways × Ass Glow

The Lantern

a hypoallergenic, vegan glow candle · shaped like a green banana · powered by faith, not current

In a world obsessed with charging, syncing, and optimizing, two philosophies met in the middle of a field at dusk. Amish Airways believes the best technology is no technology. We believe in glow. Together we made The Lantern — a hypoallergenic, vegan candle hand-poured in the shape of a green banana. It is, in every way that matters, a glowingbunghole.ai the Bishop can approve of: no battery, no app, no current. Just an honest wick and an open flame. It glows, as the Lord and our legal team permit.

"We do not fly. We do not plug in. But we have agreed, this once, to glow. Englishman, charge nothing — it is already done."

— Bishop Eli, Founder of Amish Airways
Reserve The Lantern
Limited collab batch. Hand-poured. No electricity was harmed. Keep wick trimmed; keep faith.
Cafe Socialist × Ass Glow

Glow of the Proletariat

the radiance quota kit · state-issued · one per comrade

Comrade. Your radiance quota has been reviewed. It is insufficient. This is not a punishment; it is an opportunity. The Radiance Quota Kit contains everything the citizen requires: one glowing pickle (posterior, standard issue — the committee has determined the banana is decadent), one quota card to be stamped at each session, and one official notice you are not permitted to discard. Under the First Five-Year Radiance Plan, posterior luminosity output will increase 400%. The Plan does not ask how. The Plan asks only when. The answer is now.

"I have seen the future, and it is glowing. I have not slept in four days. The committee says rest. The glow says otherwise. We side with the glow."

— Chairman Chip Whitfield IV, Cafe Socialist

"I denounced my neighbor for hoarding shimmer. I feel wonderful. My glow has never been stronger."

— Citizen 4471, voluntarily
Accept Your Quota
Rationed batch. One per comrade. Comrades who acquired two have been dealt with. The glow forgives, but it remembers. Citizens of exceptional commitment may inquire about the Five-Year Glow Reserve.
Collab Drop The Radiance Quota Kit — state-issued glowing pickle with quota card and official notice
Endorsed by Legends (Allegedly)

The icons don't just glow.
They glow louder.

CT
Chad Thunderwood
4× Slam Champion · 2× MVP · 1× Restraining Order (unrelated)

"I've hoisted a lot of trophies. Nothing lights up a locker room like glowingbunghole.ai. My vertical's up four inches and I have never, ever felt more seen."

Mr. Thunderwood is a wholly fictional person and was compensated in glow.
TD
The Dude
Originator, est. 1974 · Founder of Blowing Dudes™ Lip Balm · The Lifestyle, Pioneered

"I invented the balm. I invented the lifestyle. People said a man can't build an empire on shine alone. I outlived those people. The glow gets it — the glow was doing this before the rest of you had lips."

A wholly fictional pioneer. The year 1974 is real; nothing else is.
BE
Bishop Eli
Founder, Amish Airways · Cruising Altitude: As The Lord Permits · No In-Flight Wi-Fi

"We do not believe in electricity. We do not believe in jet engines. But the glow? The glow needs no plug, no current, no English. It simply is. We have made an exception, and only one."

A fictional clergyman of a fictional airline. Please do not attempt to book a flight.
CW
Chairman Chip Whitfield IV
Cafe Socialist · Fourth of His Name · Redistributed His Own Trust Fund (Partially)

"The committee reviewed the glow for eleven weeks. We voted. It was unanimous, once the dissenters were reassigned. The glow is correct. The glow was always correct."

A fictional chairman of a fictional collective. The trust fund, tragically, is real somewhere.
SR
Sensei Roderick
10th Dan (Self-Awarded) · Undefeated (Untested) · Founder of Glow-Jitsu

"The first rule of Glow-Jitsu is presence. The second rule is also presence. There are ninety rules. My students train in total darkness until the glow reveals them, or until class ends. Usually class ends."

A fictional sensei. The dojo is his garage. The waitlist for the garage is real.
DP
Dr. Priya Anand-Sterling
Bestselling Author · TED-Adjacent Speaker · Inventor of the "Glow Mindset"™

"My followers ask me how I stay aligned. I tell them: alignment starts from within, and works its way out. The glow is not a product. It is a posture. Available in my masterclass."

A fictional guru. The masterclass does not exist. The waitlist, somehow, does.
From the Glowing
"

I didn't know I needed this. I still don't. But the neighbors do now.

— Verified Glower
"

My yoga instructor noticed before I said a word. Downward dog will never be the same.

— Radiant in Reseda
"

Finally, a wellness brand that sees all of me. Even the parts I save for the third date.

— Anonymous, by request
"

My therapist asked what changed. I couldn't tell her. But she could tell.

— Luminous in Lincoln Park
"

I gifted one to my husband and one to my book club. We no longer discuss books.

— Glowing, Greater Tri-State Area
"

The companion app said my radiance score was "concerning." I've never been prouder.

— Beaming, name withheld for HR reasons
The Glow Shop

Wear the glow in public.

For the parts of your radiance journey that are, legally, allowed at brunch. Ethically sourced by the barista proletariat — cut and sewn by people who also make your oat-milk cortado and unionized faster than we could photograph it.

BestsellerThe Field Tee

The Field Tee

Heavyweight cotton · Unisex

Sun-faded and printed with the only three words your barista needs to see. Pairs well with eye contact you immediately regret making.

$42
NewGlow Tee Noir

Glow Tee Noir

Oversized · Garment-dyed black

A discreet little banana for those who prefer their innuendo embroidered. Subtle enough for a funeral, if it's someone you didn't like.

$48
The Understatement tee

The Understatement

Boxy fit · Bone white

The logo so small that people have to lean in to read it. We consider that part of the service.

$44
Baby Glow fitted tee

Baby Glow

Fitted · Cropped · Ribbed

Engineered for the 1am platform at a station your mother would not approve of. Confidence sold separately, but it ships fast.

$38
Headwearbunghole.ai trucker hat

The bunghole.ai Trucker

Mesh-back · Plate patch

A license-plate patch advertising a website you'll have to explain. Adjustable snapback; the conversations are not.

$35
Coming SoonThe Heavyweight tee

The Heavyweight

280gsm · Stonewashed black

The premium drop, hung dramatically because that's how it photographs best. Worth the weight. Worth the wait. We checked.

$58

All apparel is glow-adjacent and machine washable. None of it glows in the dark, which our legal team insists we clarify after the incident. A portion of every order goes to the workers who clock out of Cafe Socialist and clock into the glow. Solidarity, but make it luminous.

As seen nowhere reputable yet

The press cannot stop staring.

GLOW WEEKLY cover — the glow beneath the duvet
GLOW WEEKLYThe Authority on Radiance Since March
★★★★★

"The most important wellness launch since sunlight. We gave it five stars. It gave us something back we're still discussing in therapy."

— Cover Story, Issue 4
The Daily Lumen — area man declines to comment on doorstep
The Daily LumenAll the News That Glows

"AREA MAN RADIANT, REFUSES TO ELABORATE. Neighbors describe the glow as 'unmistakable' and 'coming from inside the house.' The man declined to comment but was easy to locate."

— Front Page, Metro Section
Posterior Quarterly — the lecture that ended in applause
Posterior QuarterlyPeer-Reviewed. Cheek-Reviewed.

"Our double-blind study concluded early when the control group demanded access to the glow. Statistically significant. Ethically complicated. Personally transformative."

— Vol. XII, "The Luminosity Papers"
Shine — sources exiting the club, glow visible, allegedly
Shine(Allegedly)

"We were reportedly sent a sample. Sources close to our editor describe her as 'glowing' and 'unreachable since Tuesday.' We cannot confirm this review exists."

— Attributed, Disputed

So… is your ass glowing, yet?

Begin your glow journey